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| So I just spent about an hour reading old xangas and comments from old yet lovely friends. I miss the art of xanga'ing. I miss being witty and I miss the old me. Just wanted to say long live xanga.. or something like that. Until next time, ta ta! | | |
| we all have walls, don't we? think how powerful we as Christians
would be if, for once, we accepted ourselves. think how loving
and accepting we would be if, every day, we woke up knowing that we
were good enough, that our love was exactly what our significant
others, friends, or even enemies, needed. think how much good we
would bring to those who are hurting, those who are down, lost, broken,
if only we told ourselves that we are enough. if only we told
ourselves we belonged, that we are worth fighting for. think how
much our significant others would be loved, accepted, enough, if only i
began with me. why is that a struggle? why is that a
struggle almost every day? i know for me, once i understood the
patters in relationships that i go through, that knowledge brings
responsibility. ok, now i see the things i was doing wrong, now
it's up to me to carry it out. pastor jim spoke on wednesday
about how our culture as a whole is lazy. we don't want to
work. we want pleasures, good marriages, good families,
relationships, without trying. we want what we want, now.
no, we wanted it yesterday. we grow impatient, i know i do, with
friends, boyfriends, spouses, and instead of encouraging them along the
way, taking the time to stop and say, "hey, you're doing a great
job. you can do it," we say, "that attempt wasn't good
enough." some of those things can leave lasting impressions on
people. i know it has for me. we are afraid, or almost
unwilling, to carry out the responsibility that comes with our
knowledge because we don't feel accepted. we remain, untouched,
bitter, cold. the hurting, unfortunate, lost, broken remain
hurting, unfortunate, lost, broken. unloved. unaccepted.
and so, what do we do? maybe Jesus, as He hung on the cross, was
trying to tell us something. i can't imagine that being spit on,
mocked, whipped until your bones were showing, pushed and shoved until
your face -- the face of God -- was ground in the dirt . . . i can't
imagine those things would make a person feel good enough, i can't
imagine those would make Him feel accepted or loved. it had the
potential to make Him feel ashamed, embarassed, like a failure.
but something happened. He didn't walk away. He didn't say,
stop, you're hurting my feelings. I can't do this. He
didn't put down His cross and walk away. Yes, I'm sure those
things brought Him pain, anguish, and extreme humiliation and
shame. What was His greatest pain? Do you remember?
It wasn't the 40 lashes minus 1. It wasn't all those things
listed that were done to Him. It was the Father, His heavenly
Father, turning His back on Him. It was the extreme, intense
gaping hole He felt as His Father turned away. God can't look at
sin. And Jesus had all of our sin. That time you lost your
temper and gave a sharp, hurting comment. That time you thought
no one was looking. Jesus had that. But that pain, that
intensity, we never have to feel that! God tells us, in fact,
promises us that "I will never leave you or forsake you." Does
that mean that God loved Jesus any less because He turned His back on
Him? No! It means that's how much greater we are loved,
because God's Son chose to take on the most painful of pains and hurts
so that we wouldn't have to feel a lifetime of seperation from
God! We have everything we need! Jesus not only took our
sins, He took the greatest pain we could ever feel. Maybe that's
what truly killed Him. Jesus tells us He came to give us life,
life to the full in fact. Maybe once we realize that the greatest
sacrifice that could ever be paid for our lives was paid already, not
only understanding it in our heads but letting it reach our emotions,
maybe then can we truly start to live. Then it won't matter if we
are truly loved and accepted by those around us. Sure, it is a
great validation of ourselves when we do feel loved. But maybe,
if you don't feel your husband is listening, if you don't feel like
your wife said, "Good job, honey, I knew you could do it" -- trust me,
I'm not minimizing the extreme and lasting power those two simple
things can have -- maybe we can just give a half grin, give a quick
glaze up and think to ourselves, "God loves me." Maybe then we
can pull that person close, smile and say, "I love you. You are
enough."
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| i think that finally the xanga saga has come to an end. though i'm not saying officially this is my last post, i realized the last one was in september... 4 months ago. i will always remember the laughs, the sad posts, the happy ones, the ones where funny things happened and tracy krystal and i couldn't wait to post it on our xanga.. the checking the xanga to see if I was JVH's latest crush (whatever happened to him?? I am GLAD those pathetic days are over).. the checking the xanga and posting while watching Dawson's Creek and reaching for a kleenex when Pacey and Joey finally got together, and when Jen made a movie for her daughter... i'll miss posting about the 2005 CU graduation, and my thoughts on that.. i'll miss reading witty comments left by tracy and krystal, and i'll miss Jeff's mysterious, always funny yet never-too-inward comments/posts.. i'll miss sitting on the balcony drinking wine and listening to "balcony music" while checking xanga and laughing at drunk girls that left from the ghetto bar and can't walk straight down the road.. and plainly just can't walk - i'll miss writing about my latest date or lack thereof, my latest crush or lack thereof.. i'll miss reading about Tracy's latest saga (though i love it and miss it) with Buttface. and i realize this all sounds extremely nerdy when thinking about how much we checked our xanga, how much we posted, commented. but it was a big part of life. it kept us connected. kept our thoughts flowing and the laughs coming. i miss you friends. i realize that i get so caught up in the life around me, the life and friends that are right here and forget about other friends. but i don't forget about you. i forget to call. i forget to email. i forget to send birthday cards (though i really do have a present for you tracy!). i see life before me and get so caught up in the excitement. i tend to get a "holier than thou" attitude when i feel closer to God, and almost look down on others i think should be living like me. i'm sorry. it's not right but i'm learning. i'm learning to accept people exactly as they are and only try to help them, even if that means listening to them, hanging out with them, laughing with them.
but i haven't forgotten. i think my friends here, especially Steve though he hides it well, get tired of hearing, "My friends from Grand Rapids.....," or "When I lived with Tracy," or "Krystal and I used to..... (I told the "You may be shooga, and I may be Sweet n' Low, but we're both Equal" story and it got lots of laughs)"... or "When I was in college my friends and I used to.....(insert any and every story)," or "Krystal and Mark go to Bosnia," or "Krystal got Tracy and I loving ghetto music," or "Krystal got me liking this wine," or "Tracy ordered the best wine at Olive Garden," or "Tracy this," "Krystal that," "Justin this," Justin that," "Jeff.." "Lydia." You name it. I haven't forgotten. It may seem like I have but almost every day and every time I'm with friends I have to tell a story about you, something will happen with friends here that will remind me of something we did, or something funny that happened that I haven't even remembered until it all-of-a-sudden comes to mind. I know this is all sappy but I miss everyone. And I realize I'm not always the best friend. But I'm trying. And I fail. But I'll keep trying. But I haven't forgotten. I never will. Longlive Myspace! | | |
| Right now I'm exhausted and so I'm sure that doesn't help. But I miss being close to those that used to be such a major part of life. It's just not the same and it sucks. | | |
| Have you ever seen a male receptionist?
I was thinking about this question a couple of weeks ago, and then I think for the first time ever I saw a male receptionist. It's just funny that alllll of the receptionists I see are women. Why is that a gender specific job? hmmm
So, I think I may have a lack in common sense! I just realize that I do things the hard way many times. I had to calendar a phone conference at work with this attorney. My note said, "Please calendar phone conference with Atty __________ (the blank was the attorney's name)." For the longest time I was like, "That's a funny name. Atty." Then it dawned on me "atty" is short for attorney.
I have to make a trip to the courthouse every day. Today, I almost slipped in the hallway because my heels are very unstable. How embarassing to fall amongst judges and lawyers! And yes, I just said amongst but it's the first word that came to mind.
I think of all these little things throughout the day that really are kinda funny, but then once I get home I want to forget all about work. One more funny thing:
Today the Culligan man (though I think we order the generic Culligan brand) came to deliver more jugs of water. The poor delivery man had to carry these very heavy jugs down the stairs, holding two at a time. After he made about four trips down and finally finished, Jason, the young lawyer that really doesn't act or look like a lawyer at all, came out and said, "Sorry, we're having the elavator installed next week." I didn't know he was funny.
That's all. bye | | |
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